


my shield of steel

by fluffy_miracle



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attraction, Avengers Family, Boys In Love, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Canon-Typical Violence, Captain America - Freeform, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Missions, Missions Gone Wrong, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Plot, Plot Twists, Pre-Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Sad, Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Super Soldier Serum, Superheroes, Tags May Change, Torture, Touch-Starved, Violence, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, i love these boys so much, shifting pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24313642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_miracle/pseuds/fluffy_miracle
Summary: Steve wants to know what is going on. Bucky doesn't feel safe enough to tell him, not until he's removed everyone who could potentially reactivate the Winter Soldier. To keep his Cap safe, he has to push him away. Bucky leaves Steve doubting everything he thought he knew and travels the world, hunting down Hydra until the mission becomes too much.Bucky is going to need his friends to get through his mission, whether he wants them or not. (But he does want them, he wants them so much, especially Steve).Cue mutual pining while nursing broken hearts over supposed unrequited love.(POV shifts per chapter, shared between Steve and Bucky. Also, the title was taken from "Run Through Walls by The Script which gave me Bucky feels listening to it and got me writing my second Stucky fic ever).
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Kudos: 9





	1. when the hand you want to hold is a weapon

Bucky didn’t know how Steve did it. Sure, he was a super-powered, serum-enhanced human, but his intuition didn’t come from the lab, no, Steve had always been able to read him like a book.

“Is there a reason you’re hiding in a bookstore, his favorite bookstore, of all places?” Bucky didn’t whirl around at Natasha’s voice coming from behind him. He had known she was there. He had trained her after all. He didn’t appreciate the tone or the suggestion that she knew exactly who he was hiding from and yet…

“If we happen to run into each other, it will give us something to talk about other than work.” Bucky grunted. Natasha smirked, pulling a chair over to his table. 

“Talk to me, Buck.” She used a nickname and his fists tightened. Only Ste-- there was only one person who Bucky tolerated nicknames from and it wasn’t her.

“No.”

“Bucky, the team is worried.” She seemed totally nonchalant. She was good at what she did and that was why they sent her into sticky situations, situations like the Hulk and Bucky… He didn’t appreciate the ticking time bomb treatment and yet… he needed it. Things were tense between him and the Cap… Steve wanted to know what was going on in Bucky’s head and for once, Bucky knew exactly what was going on. He just didn’t want to say it. He couldn’t lose Steve again. 

His eyes watered and he blinked rapidly, clearing his expression. 

“Steve’s worried.” He corrected her. The Avengers cared about him because Steve… cared… about him, ticking time bomb and all.

“And me.” She corrected him, leaning against the table. She casually scanned the room and he did the same. Hydra was still out there and Bucky was still a valuable resource. A weapon. A human. He struggled to come to terms with both sides of himself. Steve seemed determined to repurpose him but Bucky knew better than that. Hydra had tried that and somewhat failed. Somewhat. He needed to find that book and burn it so no one could ever use those words against him again. He needed to kill everyone who knew the sequence to bring the Winter Soldier back. “Buck?” She was worried, her eyebrows furrowed as she touched his hand gently. He flinched, pulling back from her touch.

“I just need some space.” He said flatly. “I want to go on a mission.”

“We’re not sending you on a mission in a bad headspace.” She frowned almost imperceptibly, but they had been trained to read people from across the room, from sniper’s hairs.

“A personal mission.” He clarified.

“A vendetta?” She asked.

“Security.” He leaned back.

“Buck!” Bucky’s blue eyes widened almost comically as Steve’s voice rang out through the shop. Natasha smiled up at Captain America incognito as she hid how she was truly feeling about this situation. Something was off with Bucky. His mind was somewhere else and she had a sinking feeling that he would go on that mission with or without their knowledge. 

“Steve.” Bucky was all charm by the time Steve made it to the table. Natasha could see the shadow of the dashing soldier Stever told them all stories about. He was still in there, fragmented pieces at all. “What are you doing here?”

“This is my favorite hideout. It’s one of the few places where people let me pretend I’m normal.” Steve whipped his sunglasses off with an authority that the average person could never come close to. He was nothing close to normal-- and Bucky adored that about him. Steve had never been normal. That was what made him so good. “What are you doing here?” Bucky eyed Natasha and she smirked.

“I can tell when I’m not wanted.” She held her hands up. “Bucky wanted to talk to you about his new mission.” She smiled into the glare that promised he’d never tell her anything again until he needed a confidant again. “We both knew you were going to tell him anyway.” She reached over and tousled his hair. Her spirits were lifted when he batted her hand away, a playful smile finally appearing. She tapped Steve’s cheek in greeting and farewell, leaving the store with more than the two men watching her go. Bucky seemed to finally notice the civilians around him, slouching down in his chair. Steve sat across from him, taking Natasha’s vacated seat.

“Is that why things have been the way they are?” Steve asked in a low voice so only Bucky would hear. “You’re going on a mission?” Bucky closed his eyes, all playfulness gone. He hated it when Steve sounded like that. He hated it when Steve sounded hurt. Like he wouldn’t give the rest of his limbs to keep that man from ever being hurt again. “Let me in, Buck.” When Steve touched his hand, he didn’t pull back. Steve was warm where he was cold. Steve kept the machine from taking over. Steve helped keep him human.

“Yea.” Bucky swallowed hard. It wasn’t the truth. It wasn’t even close to the truth. But the mission had to do with the truth. He needed the security that that mission would give him. 

“Where are you going?” Steve asked. Bucky couldn’t tell why he was acting hurt. This wasn’t to hurt Steve. It was to keep him and the others safe.

“I’m hunting down anyone who could reactivate me.” He didn’t mean to whisper, but lately, all his dreams had become nightmares of a masked soldier with a metal arm, tearing through all his friends until not one was left. Not even Steve. Steve was the worst part of the dream, his broken body lying at the soldier’s feet, his face frozen in an expression of betrayal and anguish. Bucky couldn’t let that happen. He would shut himself down before he let that happen. He would end his humanity if it meant the machine would never get loose again. He would not be a weapon to hurt Steve again. 

“Buck.” Steve’s face crumpled and he squeezed Bucky’s hand. Bucky reminded himself to breathe, the ragged sound he made surprising them both. He was normally stoic. He was normally quiet. “I’m here.” Steve reminded him. Bucky’s shoulders sagged, taking Steve’s hand into his own so he could give him a small, reassuring squeeze back. Steve’s eyes watered and he wiped the tears away with his free hand. “You want me to come along? I wouldn’t mind ending some more Hydra.” The look in his eyes said what he wasn’t saying, that he would happily kill everyone who would dare try to hurt Bucky by bringing back the Winter Soldier.

Steve carried so much. Bucky couldn’t ask him to carry him too. He had to find his own footing. He had to make his own way. He needed to keep Steve safe like the Captain kept him safe. He’d be Cap’s second shield, his invisible shield, the one that maybe even he wouldn’t know about. He couldn’t be anything more than that until certain parts of Hydra were gone. No, this mission Bucky needed to do alone. 

“I have to do this alone.” Bucky was proud of himself for actually saying that out loud. He had so much he wanted to say to Steve. He had all these things he wanted to tell him but he couldn’t. He had the mission first. He could talk when the mission was done. Steve would understand, he had to. Bucky was doing this for him. “But once it’s done…” He trailed off when Steve gave him a hard look. There was no way. There was no way Steve felt the way he did. Perhaps Steve really could read him because the blond man squeezed his hand one more time before he released Bucky’s hand.

“Do what you want, Buck.” And didn’t he sound resigned. “You always do.” Bucky frowned, looking down at his empty hand.

“I-- it has to be this way.” His voice cracked. “It’s not safe.”

“It’s not.” Steve had that tone. His Captain America tone when he was about to say something smart and commanding all at once. “It’s not safe for you either, Buck. The two of us would be safer. We make a pretty good team.” His attempt at connecting fell flat and so did his face when he realized he wasn’t swaying his best damn friend in the whole world. “Will you at least stay in touch so I know you’re safe after each kill?” He asked. Fuck him and his blue puppy dog eyes. Bucky could never refuse him when he asked with that face. Not that Steve knew that.

“I will let you know.” Bucky sighed before he stood up. That settled that then. He needed to pack and then he’d be gone. But this time he was leaving so he could come back.

He packed quickly, not responding when Tony showed up at the apartment that Steve had gotten for him that the rest of the team was not supposed to know about. He was their ticking time bomb. Of course they knew where to find him when he entered his countdown sequence.

“Steve is worried.” Tony said softly. He had brought Bucky a new suit. “I left out the tracker he suggested, but there is a button to press when you want us to know where you are.” Tony showed him. Tony was never bothered by his silence like Steve was. They both understood why he was silent, but Steve took it personal where Tony didn’t. Bucky shrugged. Steve was probably always worried about him. He wasn’t human enough. “He’s worried you won’t come back. He’s worried he’s going to lose you again.” 

Oh. Bucky frowned, fidgeting as Tony made final adjustments.

“He’s not going to lose me.” Bucky broke his silence.

“Does he know that?” Tony asked. His tone was quiet, but his question was piercing. 

“I have to keep him safe.” And then Bucky pressed his lips together, refusing to say another word until Tony left. He set out, using public modes of transportations on purpose. He knew all of the Avenger vehicles were outfitted with tracking devices, even Cap’s motorcycles. He pulled his cap down low, his hair loose and hanging over his shoulders. His dirty green coat was baggy over the loose V-neck and tight jeans that covered up his suit. His arm felt the best it ever had-- he should send Tony a thank you for the re-calibration. He felt ready. Hydra wouldn’t see him coming. And they wouldn’t see him leaving either.


	2. Chapter 2

The mission went well until it didn’t. Bucky tore through three Hydra bases like a tornado. He left no survivors. He left no traces. And the machine was happy out in the field, the machine was happy to be killing. Bucky was happy to be making sure Steve would be safe, so he let the machine get the satisfaction it needed. It was a blank slate, content with marking up its own service with a tally mark for each kill. 

And then the fourth base happened. Bucky didn’t get to the control room in time and a transmission made it out. He burned the place down to the ground and then went invisible for a while. He hid out in cities, slowly making his way towards his last target while still making it impossible for him to be trapped.

“Plums are on sale.” The man he just accidentally bumped into pointed across the street.

“Thanks.” He wasn’t sure when the last time he had spoken to someone had been. Shit. He had never checked in with Steve. Oh well, it was better this way. Steve would have seen the news about the Hydra bases by now. Steve would know it was him. 

“They’re good.” The man smiled before he vanished into the crowd. Bucky had an unsettled feeling. Plums never seemed to work out for him. Kind of like his feelings for Steve. He stepped back and hurried off, just in case he got blamed for another explosion. It was time to move on with his mission. He had waited long enough. He had just two more little bases before he took on the big one. He just needed to get rid of these two first. He needed Hydra to know no help was coming, no reinforcements.

Hydra was going to die alone. They’d know how they made him feel all these years. Nothing like being the ultimate weapon to make sure he was always alone. Goddamn, but Bucky was lonely. He wanted to let Steve in, tell him how he felt… he just had to make it safe first. He wouldn’t be the one to break Captain America or the man behind that shield.

Bucky got on the next bus, heading north. He smashed through the first base, but they were ready for him at the second one. He didn’t know how. Somehow they got intel and were waiting for him.

They captured him. He was restrained and then they brought in that damn book. Buck fought like a wild animal, screaming at them in any language that would come to mind. But it all started to go blank once the words starting being said… a countdown code for a bomb…

Bucky jumped when a gun went off, a hole appearing in the center of the Hydra operative reading his codes. The man went down and the book with him. 

“Not on my watch.” Steve stepped out, putting the gun away. He grabbed the book, tossing into the backpack he carried easily. Bucky gaped over at him as Steve stepped over, working on his restraints. “Hey, Buck.” Steve’s smile was strained. He had come for Bucky. Not as Captain America. Not as an Avenger. He had come for Bucky as Steve. 

“Steve.” Bucky’s mind went blank for a completely different reason as Steve leaned over him to undo the restraints behind his neck. Steve’s fingers brushed against his hair and Buck swallowed hard. He wanted. “Thank you.” He managed. 

“Don’t mention it.” He smiled but the smile didn’t reach his blue eyes. “You’re not finishing this mission on your own.” There was no room for argument in his voice. He didn’t sound commanding though… just tired. Had Bucky done that to him?

“Aye, aye, Cap.” Bucky kept his expression cold, staring down his old friend. “They knew I was coming. They were ready for me.”

“You can thank Tony I got here in time.” Steve replied. “They had guys watching you in the last city.”

“The damn plum guy.” Bucky muttered under his breath.

“He got the closest.” Steve shrugged. “So what’s the plan?”

“What do you mean?” Buck asked carefully, not quite understanding.

“It’s still your mission. What’s the plan?”

“Kill them all. There’s one spot left that I know of. It’s a big operation, but if we’re quiet enough, we can handle it.”

“We will.” Steve tensed. “We’re not going it alone, Buck. The Avengers will back you on this last part of your mission.”

“I didn’t ask for their help.” Bucky wanted to say thank you, but it was easier to stick to what he knew. It was easier to be defensive. Steve always had to pick between him and the Avengers. Steve would always pick them. Bucky had fallen and they had taken his spot. “This is my job!”

“Buck, you’re not alone!” The last of the restraints snapped like it was nothing and Bucky was up, pulling himself free. Steve grabbed his hand and yanked him forwards into his waiting arms, but Bucky wasn’t a damsel in distress needing to be rescued. “I thought I lost you!” Steve’s arms settled around his waist and Bucky forgot to be angry, forgot to pull away. His arms looped around Steve’s neck and he sighed into Captain America’s shoulders. “If he had finished what he had started…” Steve trembled. “I’m not losing you again. It’s the end of the line or nothing.” He whispered. “You’re stuck with me, Buck.”

“I’m not stuck.” Bucky wiped his hair out of his face. “I could break free any time I wanted to.” Steve’s face fell. “I just don’t. I like being stuck with you, Steve.” He managed a smile that felt wrong for where they currently were. “I went on this mission to protect you, Stevie.” His smile wavered. “I won’t be a weapon they use against you.” Understanding dawned on Steve’s features and he gave Bucky a tentative smile before he reached over and pulled him back into another hug. 

“You’re not alone.”

“I know.” Bucky answered softly. “But I don’t want to leave you alone. I’ve got to protect you too, you know, my shield of steel.” He reached up to press his hand gently against Steve’s cheek. Those blue eyes widened and Bucky had to smile. “To the end of the line and back.”

“Always.” Steve murmured, his eyes holding a question that Buck suddenly didn’t have an answer for. He leaned into Bucky’s touch instead of asking his question, closing his eyes and trusting. Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat, content to run his fingers over Steve’s cheekbone. If he was a braver man, if that was a different kind of scene, he would have said that he loved Steve with everything that was left of him.

But with each quiet inhale and gentle exhale that passed between them, Bucky swore Steve knew.


End file.
